The following weblog was originally posted on DieselDragon’s Website, and has been restored from backup. My apologies for any bad formatting, code errors or broken links that may exist as a result of conversion to this weblog. 🙂
Last night – A time where I found myself in deep contemplation and thought – Saw the first occasion in over five long years where I picked up and scribed an entry in my long forgotton and neglected diary. The following is a public, edited-down version of the words that I scribed that night and earlier today – Posted not only for those who know me to read like any other weblog – But also posted for the benefit of anyone else who may find this page via Google, and have found that the same evils may have smitten their own existance also…
Sunday, 18th January 2009CE:Only the Gods themselves know where I should begin with this entry. I see from looking at the dates that I have not scribed an entry within this tome for an entire five years and three months…Possibly indicative of the degredation and slowing-down of every aspect of my existance that has come about in the meantime…
Since my last entry within this diary, I have “progressed” from Aldershot (In the loosest sense of the phrase) and now dwell in Farnborough. I have managed to obtain a council flat with all of the usual amenities plus a 10Mb/s cable Internet connection, have since travelled to realms far and wide – Including the United States, Norway, Italy and Finland – And my total of BAL-SAGOTH Rituals now numbers twelve. Alas however, my existance now is far less than it once was…
Mere words alone cannot even begin to describe just how far into oblivion my life has decended over the past eight years. As I scribe this entry, I sit here alone within my flat having lost all but the last vistages of whatever little of my Spirit remains within this bloated, pathetic and worthless corpse of mine. Since coming to Farnborough, feeble-mindedness seems to have smitten me with an ever increasing vigour – And where I once managed quite adequetely in managing myself and my affairs, I now find that even the simplest of tasks is never completed…Thrown insted onto an ever growing mountain of things intended, but never progressed…
I scribe this entry now following a minor attack of depression, bought on by the realisation that my computer addiction – Formulated over time in a gradual but consistant manner since around September 2005CE – Has now reached a most severe and self-destructive level.
I often find myself wondering where in the name of the Gods themselves my Spirit has flown…For it is perfectly clear to me that it no longer walks alongside my physical being. If it were still by my side, then I would still be living a similar existance to that which I used to live at the end of 2001CE. An existance that – Though often fuelled by anger, rage, and dreams of a path considered by many to be very “out of date” – Was at least an existance that saw me capable of many tasks and projects, saw me managing and maintaining myself properly, saw me living a well maintained and healthy social life, and was at least an existance where hope shone forth through my thoughts…Guiding me ever onwards to that Sacred dream and goal that I had made my life’s aim…
Yet at this stage of my life – This worthless and pathetic pit of my existance – It feels as if hope no longer exists. Aside from the fading and complete loss of those dreams which I once bore – To say nothing of my loss of strength in every facet of my being over these past five years – Every new day brings with it the same worthless and wasteful things over and over again.
Over these past years, my computing skills have gained ground in the most exponential way – And where my previous entry saw me having only a few rudimentary skills in ASP and the handling of databases, my skills now include the manipulation of binary data in both ASP and VBScript, and a recent creation of mine (A program for expanding bitmap images to double their original size with little loss of resolution) has received a lot of positive feedback from others…
…And yet, these skills that I have learned and developed over these past years are completely irrelevant to my existance!
Though the skill of processing binary data in a script may be useful to me were I able to retain paid employment in computing, I know deep within my mind that my clever use of arrays and the Chr() command are of no use whatsoever unto those ancient and all-powerful Gods/Goddesses of the Aesir that I continually profess – Though never actually take the time and labours to learn the Lore and ways of that Sacred religion – To worship. I should be skilled with the Sword, Bow, Axe, Mace and Spear first and foremost…And all other skills – Be they necessary for life in todays society or no – Should come secondary unto such Sacred abilities.
After all, it would mean nothing to the Titans – The adversaries of the Aesir – That I could craft a program to destroy their computer networks and render their communication systems wholly inoperable…For it would be a simple matter for even the most inept of Titans to crush me in an effortless swing – Aside from the simple troth that computers and similar systems shall have no bearing or involvement whatsoever in Ragnarok, at any rate!
Nay…My skills in the art of handling such fine weapons as Swords are rudimentary at best – Despite my personal armoury now bearing five very fine and much loved Blades – And I even have to confess with great shame that my abilities in handling more modern arms like the AK-47 are probabally finer than my Sword handling skills!
At any rate, I suppose that I should not concern myself with such things…As my existance – So worthless and pitiful as it is – Means that I shall never be allowed to cross Bifrost…Let alone be kept within the Halls of Valhöll until the coming of Ragnarok…
Aye…Though some have said that my failures and unanswered prayers may be as a result of requesting from the Gods things that I should not, I am more inclined to think – And dread – That the Gods themselves may have chosen to turn their backs upon me. Though all of the Aesir are immensely patient with most of those who walk the Realm of Midgard, I can see many good and valid reasons for someone as lazy and worthless as myself to be ignored or spat-upon by the Gods. Though I have sworn upon my own Blood (For what little it is worth) to never change, nor waver from, nor abandon the Sacred path of Asatrú that I seek to follow…I fear that – Unless some miracle occurs to restore my former strength of both Spirit and mind in the very near future – No degree of effort nor deed may ever warrant for myself passage unto Valhöll…
And lo, I have often found myself thinking of and considering the act of taking my own life. Though premature termination of ones own life brings with it a bar to entering the Realm of Asgard…The act of taking my own life would at least mean that a place would be made upon this Earth for someone more beneficial and deserving than I, and there would be one less drain upon the Social Fund – Which could make all the difference in this time of a Worldwide credit crisis!
And yet I find that within this era of my existance, I am not able to do anything more than think of such actions…Let alone come anywhere close to actually performing them. Some might say that that this could be a measure of strength or common sense that exists within my being…But personally, I fear greatly that “cowerdice” might be a more truthful description of my reluctance to further such actions…
[DieselDragon’s note: I ought to point out that this paragraph is not a suicide note of any kind, or notification of intention to commit such acts. Though my thoughts tend to turn – Upon occasion – To the subject of such dark matters, the number of times that I have rejected – Out of hand – The very idea of myself doing such things means that I am very unlikely to commit such an act. In addition, I am well aware of the existance of the Samaritans, and I keep their number stored in my phone for just that reason. :-]
Though I pray daily that this may prove to be the lowest point of my existance and that things within my life shall soon begin to rise once again, my observation of the changes that have come to pass over five long years do force me to shudder at the prospect of what my life may be come the year 2014CE. Provided that I still maintain this website and weblog come that year, will my existance have recovered as I constantly pray that it shall…Or will it have continued to degrade in the same way, if it is even possible for my existance to deteriorate any further?
Alas, only time itself will bear an answer to that question…And it is a question that I shall have to await five long years more to receive the answer…
Monday, 19th January 2009CE:Alas, a night of rest and contemplation do not seem to have helped my situation in any way…Today I rose very late, and – As has been the norm over these past few days – I could not prevent myself from firing up the computer as soon as I was able to drag my worthless corpse out of bed.
It has occurred to me this afternoon that – Had I not lived in Aldershot, and been subjected to the “help” of the local NHS services in managing my former anger-fuelled (But well controlled) existance – Then to this day I might just have retained the strength and Spirit that once I bore…Although one does have to ask oneself whether that is truly the case, or whether it could be as a result of the so-called “slippery slope” of life that some have mentioned before now…As inept and unclear of thought as I am, I truly cannot say.
Dear Gods…What I would give just to restore my existance back to its former state! The level of strength, Spirit and fervour that i possessed back in 2001CE is so much greater than that which I possess today. Indeed, I cannot even begin to imagine to just what ends I would go to restore my being to what it should be…
I do not know as yet whether or not my writings within [My diary] shall continue on a regular basis – Knowing the ever fettered state of my mind, I strongly doubt these scribings shall continue. On a side note however, I have already found the act of scribing within [My diary] to be a relaxing and enjoyable – Possibly even theraputic – Activity, and time may prove whether or not this shall continue.
Although I acknowlege the act of keeping a diary to be more of an adolescent or “Emo” past-time, I do not see any reason why such things should prevent me – Even as a mature adult – From doing so.
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