The following weblog was originally posted on DieselDragon’s Website, and has been restored from backup. My apologies for any bad formatting, code errors or broken links that may exist as a result of conversion to this weblog. 🙂
I know that it’s fairly rare for me to make weblog posts nowadays, but upon this night there are several different things weighing upon my mind that are really causing me some concern… 😦
Though I’m hoping to make this as short and as “to the point” a weblog as possible, I have a feeling that this could well turn into another of my ramblings that run into several pages…So I ask that ye bear with me on this, as there are a number of issues that I need to get off of my chest this night…
Well…It’s currently 03:30 on Friday morning, or at least that was the time when I started writing this out. Once again – As is normal for me nowadays – I have spent at least 90% of the time since I got up today (Read as 15:30 on Thursday) sat at my computer, surfing the ‘Web and either posting continuously on assorted discussion forums, or perusing random Wikipedia pages relating to an equally random range of subjects. Indeed…Aside from surfing the Internet, the only other things that I have done today since waking up are making repeated mugs of Coffee, using the lavatory, going outside to smoke, and finally installing/comissioning a webcam that a friend gave to me a week ago…
When I’m online, I usually check my e-mail once or twice, maybe up to four times in a day. The majority of my time often being spent surfing around various discussion boards and posting my responses to ever changing topics. Sometimes, I might succumb to the temptation to read up on a subject that may have come into my mind that day on Wikipedia, or perhaps close my web browser for an hour or two and start/continue work on a program in Visual Basic script or some other high-level language.
Regardless of the task in hand however…I still find that from dawn until dusk, from morning until stupid O’clock at night, I still do nothing more than sit at my computer doing whatever task or whim may take my fancy…
Aye…Most other people of my age range and temperament would probabally spend their days at work, or perhaps enjoying time out in the town or in another public space with their friends. Even those like myself – Those who are signed off of work on medical grounds – Probabally find something half-active to do, mayhap by enjoying walks around their local area, or perhaps volunteering their time at a local charity or something. Alas…I find – Despite my best intentions and attempts to prevent myself from doing so – That I spend almost all day of every day sat in front of a computer, either surfing the Internet in an aimless crusade of “enlightenment”, or crafting some badly-written shell script to perform some mundane routine task in a completely inefficient way…
And yet, I find that the Internet forms an essential function within my life also. Although I have many “offline” friends within the locality who I socialise with (Though only a core 2-3 on a regular basis), the Internet allows me to communicate and know many other people around the World who share my interests…And only through the Internet am I able to communicate with them!
Through the Internet I have already found others who share my unusual combination of interests (MetalHeads who are also railway enthusiasts aren’t exactly a common find!) and who I get along very well with. The Internet itself – With it’s immense quantity of information available on-demand – Has already allowed me to teach myself a number of interesting things, such as how the MP3, GIF and ZIP formats work at the system level. Without access to the Internet, I do not know where I would be today…Except, perhaps, that at this moment I’d still only know the moderate fundamentals of the HTML language, would never have learned Visual Basic and ASP for IIS servers, wouldn’t have figured out and learned how to create and manipulate binary data using systems designed to only handle plain text, wouldn’t ever have gained an interest and an ability for making things do far more than one may have thought possible, and – Most crucially of all – Wouldn’t have met so many new friends with whom I have been able to share many a deep and interesting conversation over MSN, discussion boards, e-mail and other such mediums over the years.
However…One thing that I cannot ignore is that my computer usage is having a serious impact upon my life, and sadly the impact that I speak of is pretty negative in it’s nature. I do not want to go into details as to how negative these effects are, but I will suffice to say that my use of computers and the Internet have led to me becoming dangerously unattentive to many other routine tasks that I really *should* pay attention to… :’-(
Almost every day when I’m at home, I normally get up and dress…And then – Before seeing to anything else or making a “morning” cuppa – I habitually boot-up the PC. Then even if I’ve got a busy day ahead of me, I normally go through two mugs of Coffee interspaced with cigarettes and surf the ‘Web before I do anything half-worthwhile. More often than not, this initial surf turns into a 4-14 hour long Internet marathon, during which I will normally only get up for Coffee, cigarettes, or the loo. Even when doing those things, I normally try to be back at the PC as quickly as possible for some reason that I cannot identify. Regardless of whatever may need doing though, I still find that the time I spend online often manages to work it’s way in front of loads of other things that actually *need* doing…
And this isn’t restricted to my being online either. Some of ye may remember that several month period last year when I terminated my broadband contract and only went online at public libraries in the area. Although that temporarily solved one slight problem – My habit of spending hours on end using discussion boards – It didn’t solve another; My use of computer equipment on the whole. Over the past several months, it doesn’t seem to have mattered whether or not a PC is connected to the Internet or not – I’ve still found myself sitting in front of it for hours on end doing something or other, whether that be forums, programming, hacking, learning, or simply playing games! :-S
Recently I stayed with a good friend in Aldershot who keeps his internet connection dedicated to XBox Live usage, and only allows me to use it on his PC whenever he’s asleep. Despite this restrictive access to the Internet however – Where I only managed to get online for about 45 minutes across the whole three days – I still spent what must’ve been well over TWENTY HOURS on his PC working with scripts and hex editors because I was assembling several versions of a forum signature image – A fairly well engineered animated GIF – Entirely by hand… :-O
Back in the middle of last year – Mayhap just after Wacken Open Air I recall – I was led to believe that my endless hours in front of the PC may have been something to do with my easy access to the Internet itself. Having unlimited access time and bandwidth meant that I could literally be online 24/7 without ever worrying about ISP bills going sky-high, so I suppose I do use the Internet much more often and with much less regard to bandwidth than most BT Broadband customers…Who have a strict 10Gb/month limit to work to, and excessive charges levied upon them if they exceed that allowance!
Looking back at that time however, I still note that – Even when I had my broadband cut-off and was using the library for all of my Internet access – The time that I have spent in front of any computer has rarely fallen below the level of excessive. Looking at my watch as I continue typing out this weblog, I see that I have already been sitting here for the last hour…And yet it feels as if I’ve only been sat here for 5-10 minutes or so. Whilst in front of my system, my concept of time passing by seems to fade into oblivion, and many nights have I planned to jump on for only ten minutes whilst downloading or printing a few pages for reference purposes…And looked at the clock later on to see that several hours have flown by and – Were I to look out of the window – I would witness again the breaking of dawn, having inadvertantly stayed up all night either on the Internet, or at the interface of some local program running on my machine…
Aye…Looking back over the last six years, I note with interest that as the speed of my computers and ease of access to the Internet have increased, my active mentality and thus my quality of life in general have diminished in direct proportion. My first ever PC that I bought back in 2000CE from a chap in Redhill was an 80486 system with 2Mb of RAM, a 430Mb hard drive, and DOS 6.2/Windows 3.11 as it’s operating system. That PC served me very well for at least two years or more, and – As far as hand-coded HTML and ASP was concerned – It was a damn good machine for the job! Even so, I never normally spent more than 30 mins to an hour in front of it per session, and would normally only engage in 2-4 sessions on it every week on average. Over time however, my computers – Despite being either upgrade chuck-outs or the fruits of dumpster diving – Have become sucessively more powerful and thus better and better for more intense processing applications.
Once I’d worked my way up to a Pentium III 550MHz system with 128Mb RAM, a 30Gb HDD, and Windows XP Pro, I also discovered the availability of cheap WiFi dongles on eBay, and purchased one as I was annoyed at not being able to access the Internet from home due to my landlord at the time having strict limitations on such things. Naturally, I found myself a convenient “open” network in a neighbouring building, and started to “leech” access from this network as I felt a strange, increasing need to be online whenever I could be.
Nowadays, I’m using my first ever shop-bought PC; A 2.4GHz Athlon64 box, with 512Mb RAM, and a whopping (By my standards!) 160Gb hard-drive. I also notice that since buying it, I’ve spent a lot more time online than I ever used to whilst using either my P-III or Athlon 800 boxes, and – Even when the Internet hasn’t been available for whatever reason – I still find that I spend an immense amount of time doing something or other. I ask myself; Would I spend this long in front of an Internet-connected PC if it only had a 486 processor and Windows 3.11 in it?… :-O :-S 😐
Dear Gods…It is truly a difficult situation that I now find myself caught within! I have the feeling that if I were to revert to my former class of computer equipment – Having only a single 486 terminal with a 200-400Mb hard drive for text, HTML and ASP editing purposes – Then my quality of life could possibly be restored over time to a similar level to what it was about six years ago. Once again, I’d go back to those pleasant days of my life when I’d only fire up my PC for short, reasonable sessions whilst performing offline updates to my websites (Uploading those updates at the library from floppy disc once a week) and spend a healthy amount of time either wandering the local woods or heathland…Or perhaps within the company of friends in towns several miles distant, enjoying the pleasant yet rapid stroll that I’d take between their homes and my own! 🙂
However…If I were to do such a thing, I would first have to part company with and destroy sentimental data that I have kept with me for a number of years as I’d have no means of storing or retrieving it electronically on an older machine. Worse still, I would have to lose contact with many friends that I have made over these last few years, and that in itself would sadden me greatly… :’-(
Indeed…At this moment, there is someone within my life who has come very close to my heart. Because there is a fair distance between us (This person lives in Italy) we communicate entirely using the Internet as that is the most efficient method available to us both. For me to dispose of my Internet-capable equipment at this time could well be the Death of our relationship just as it has begun to flourish…And given how much I already yearn for the words and the warmth of this blessed being, to forceably destroy my route to the Internet in such a way would send my heart into a state of sorrow that words could not describe…I feel that I really need this loving person within my life, even if I can only ever speak to them via MSN at this stage!
To summerise: I actually feel trapped within a void from which there is no way out. Should I choose to remain as I am now, then my quality and standard of life will almost certainly continue to degrade – Up to the point where I shall no doubt turn into a fat, slobby, worthless and useless wreck of a man whose skills outside of computing would be absolutely nil, and who would find it easier to look up the local weather online insted of simply looking out of the window. However…If I were to revert to having no Internet access at home and using an ancient computer that would make a Sinclair pocket calculator look state of the art, then not only would I lose contact with so many of my close friends around the World, but worst of all; The relationship that has formed between one other and I over the recent months would no doubt meet it’s end…And the torment that would be wrought upon my heart through such a happening would probabally prove fatal for me…
Try as I might, I cannot think of a way out of this predicament. All I can conclude at this stage is that – Though it may not be noticable when looking at me – In my case; Computers and the Internet play a similar role in my life as cheap cider does to the life of the Alcoholic. I am addicted…Not just to the Internet, but to computing itself on the whole. Even without an Internet connection, I am still prone to spending hours upon end in front of the keyboard, creating programs and systems of all different kinds. Yet as I have mentioned above, if I remove these problem objects from my life (Modern spec PCs and the Internet connection) then I will lose contact with so many people whom I love dearly as friends – Especially that one special person in my life at this moment, who I would never wish to lose contact with in a hundred thousand years!
I’m currently trying to obtain help with this issue through a local Psychologist (Well, it is clearly an addiction!) to try and eliminate the problem, but there hasn’t been any improvement following our first session. She gave me a load of self-help materials to try and get me off on the right foot, but I’ve spent so much time online that I’ve not been able to do anything more than have a brief flick-through. In any case, it looks to me like none of those materials are designed to help combat addiction anyway. 😦
Worse still – Going back to the topic of computer addiction for the moment – I’ve noticed a similar pattern happening with one of my friends in my locality as well. Even though he’s not once posted on a forum, hasn’t sent e-mail in at least five years if at all, and only ever uses the ‘Web for finding material for more mature audiences…The amount of time that he spends playing on his X-Box 360, and the way he uses it (Often turns it on first thing after getting up) exhibits a striking number of parallels between his use of the X-Box and my use of the PC!
Personally, I know that I need help with this…And I need it fast. If anyone from the NHS ever reads this weblog, PLEASE do me and every one else like me a serious favour; Set up an Internet Annonymous Association, and come up with a successful way of resolving peoples problems with this kind of situation. Internet addiction isn’t an isolated thing by any means (Trust me, I know there are many other “addicts” online) and really needs to be treated in the same way as addictions to Gambling, alcohol, drugs and other things, in my opinion… :-O 😦
Well…It’s now 06:05, and it’s taken me a whole 2.5 hours to write this out. Given the amount of time this has taken – Though it was supposed to be a “quick” one, although I simply let my fingers sit on the keyboard and type out my current thoughts – I’d say that this weblog is in itself a testament to the way time flies and how much I feel encouraged to stay in front of the PC. Were it not for the clock in the Windows task-bar or my watch on my wrist, then I’d swear I’d only been typing this for 30 minutes at most! :-O
Farewell for now…And if anyone knows of any way that I and others like me can deal with such an issue, then please let me know as soon as possible… 🙂
Posted by DieselDragon 
DieselDragon's Weblog 